Temporary Extrovert, Psychic Script, Wildly Social Weekend

Even though I am an introvert through-and-through and normally avoid big, crowded events at all costs, I also have a strong sense of civic duty to the community hospital that I work at, and as such, I always sign up to volunteer at our outreach booth during the Big Neighborhood Seafood-Related Festival that happens every July (except for the last two, for obvious reasons.) I love talking to the many people who had their babies at our hospital, who were born there, who had their Major Surgery there, and who gush about how they were saved from impending death at our Emergency Department. It turns me into a (very) temporary extrovert. But to be honest, besides all of that, I just love this event. It’s fun and creative and people are always in a good mood. There is lots of camaraderie and cheerfulness, and it’s just a good vibe all-around. I would go even if I wasn’t there volunteering already. There are always beautiful crafts and delicious, greasy fair foods and a plethora of cute dogs. And...psychics! I always stop by the psychic booth and let the carnies rip me off because I don’t spend money on movies or other entertainment and I enjoy the conversation, the tacky decor, and the faux-mysticism. Over years of wasting forty bucks in this manner, I have learned much about the formula for a perfect and profitable psychic reading. I shall lay out the script here, should you ever decide to make a career change to being a fair psychic:

“I see that you are a generous, giving person. A truly caring person, who gives with no expectation of return. There are people around you who take advantage of your good nature. (Editorial note: Both spiritually flattering, and totally accurate for most women and not a small number of men.) You must cut these people out of your life. They are draining you spiritually. Ah, it is coming to me that you present a smiling face to the world, but inside of you dwells a deep and secret sadness. (Editorial note: No sh*t, this is literally everyone, which is why this line is so genius.) Wait, I see…yes! I see a dark energy surrounding you. This energy is there because others are jealous of your spirit and the light you bring to the world. There is much success and happiness waiting for you, but first you much purge this darkness, to allow your light to bloom in the world. You must decide if you want to walk in the light, or live with this dark force for all of your existence. How do you rid yourself of this energy, you ask? I am sorry to tell you, you cannot. You must undergo A Treatment. A treatment that I shall provide to you for no financial compensation whatsoever. All I ask is that you cover the cost of certain...supplies that I need to carry out the expulsion. Without my assistance, I am afraid there is nothing you can do. But with my help, joy and happiness shall be yours, sooner than you ever could have expected.”

At which time, I politely take their business card and depart, hoping they haven’t skimmed my debit card number. By the way, if you’re curious about the supplies, they’re always different, but this time when I asked, I was told it was gigantic candles. How fun!

This post is going up a little early because I am having a wildly social (for me) weekend and am actually going to a WNBA game today thanks to a generous co-worker with an extra ticket. I’m very excited and curious about it, having never been to a real basketball game in my life. I’ve been brushing up on the rules so I’m not totally lost, and watching a few dribbling instructional videos, which brings back terrible memories of everyone wanting me to play basketball in high school because I was tall-ish. It turns out, being tall has very little to do with whether or not you are good at basketball. Basketball requires physical precision, coordination, and aggression, none of which I naturally possess. The weightlifting has helped enormously in leveling up those skills, but nowhere near to basketball-playing levels. So it will be really fun to watch a live game and revel in all of the athletic virtuoso that I will never have. Now I wonder if that proverbial dark energy has drained my athletic prowess and if I could have been an WNBA player without its presence. It’s a good thing I kept that lady’s card!

I will return to our regularly-scheduled videos soon for those who enjoy them, I just ran out of time this week to research the bits I needed to get them to work correctly. I’m still learning Substack, but so far, it’s been fantastic.